this is where your sanity gives in

and carried her heart with both hands.

having a similar disposition, i knew to cradle her neck
as her lips parted and swallow the fears that lingered
in the back of her throat.

i see her from time to time in dresses she purchased long
after i knew her and i can't help but wonder if she knows
that her fears became mine.

that human beings are such strange creatures.

christmas list is very short this year.

no one ever told me that double kickpedals cost so much.

i just need someone to dance with.

the truth is:

i smoke to balance the sweetness of liquor
with the bitter taste of tobacco.

i've curled up to his lips more than once
without abandon.

i want to be married with a house and a mortgage.

i've sewn him onto my heart and carried him with
me since i've known of his existence.

i wish i were writing more.

i don't tell anyone more than they need to know.

i miss jamie martin and little miss aquatic being a part of my life.

i should've kept dancing.

my palms are sweating with anticipation.

i bought a plane ticket to new york for no reason at all.

my stomach is almost always in knots.

i haven't seen a show that i've wanted to go to in at least
a year.

i wonder what all of the former bitron girls are doing at any
given point in time.

i wish maria was watching me grow up.

i think paul is going to propose.


wow.
loaded blog.

<3

2_1.



and i still feel the same.

my hair keeps falling in my face.

last night at laney's, i came to the realization that
i miss finding myself in extremely social situations.

birthday in two days.

oh aren't i going to be old.......

the big 2-1.

i worked forty hours this week and went to school
and i'm still in the mood for dancing to fiona apple.

someone ought to slowdance with me on my birthday.

i dance when i'm happy.

today is going to be a very good day.

my flight is in four and a half hours
and yet here i am online at toiling the hours
away.

i felt invisible for the first time in years
yesterday. have you ever been crying and had
people just walk right through your kitchen?
...AWKWARD.

i cleaned up. didn't have time to mop.
but, fuck, if i'm the only one who does it
then i suppose it'll just have to wait.

last night i experienced the genius that is
the american dive bar. women drinking pitchers
of beer through a straw, tanya tucker sung
karaoke-style, wranglers amuck. one woman
must've been at least sixty years old, reaching
for a lady slim every ten minutes, and sitting
in silence the whole night long. but she seemed
content enough to be spending her saturday night
sitting by herself. paul leaned over to me at one point
and said, "i can't wait to be that lady. waiting all
week for saturday to come, just to sit by myself
and people-watch at a karaoke bar, smoking cigarettes
and keeping to myself."

working two jobs is bull shit, even if one
is doing part time at a winery.

growing up, however,
is suiting me just fine.

i can't wait to see this clayton bittner.
if he's paul's nephew, he's bound to be fucking cute.

much love...

sorry if i've been neglecting this lately.

and let it be said, that alex was very right, and i
am quite in love with the new format cd.

the past three vacations i have taken (and paid for on my own)
were to grand rapids, michigan.

i'd like to think that some day, i'll be able to go to mexico or hawaii
or even california (if i need to limit myself to the contiguous united
states).

but in all honesty, aside from paul's amazing family,
aaron, beth, and dana, what the fuck does the great
lakes state really have to offer?

the answer:

nothing.

oh well, at the very least, i can go to sammy's
and get gyros.

in an act of defeat, i told paul i'd meet laura.
because the way that i see it, paul met owen
*although said meeting was unintentional and owen
has the intimidation factor of a basket full of kittens*
and if she is REALLY going to be a part of his life
and i am REALLY going to spend the rest of my life with him,
i ought to know who she is.

i just hope she isn't mean.
and i hope she calls me "claire" and not "THAT girl".

it's a sad state, to say the least.
empty fields progress to empty buildings
with an occasional sign on the shoulder
to direct you to the same town
you've driven through.
the people never grow up
but they get old.
the houses go untouched for years
until the cattails and grass
swallow them into the big nothing.

i have seen the state of the midwest,
held it's emptiness in my small hands
and watched the spaces in between disappear
as the mileage grew and elliott smith
lulled me into a state of numbness
(if only to separate me from those
who came before)

and as the dust gathered behind me,
i counted my rosary beads
with thumb and forefinger
praying for the american dream.

there are too many people to thank in my life.

i knew a boy who would have given his life for mine, and did so on a thursday morning. the hardest call i ever made was the one following his to my mother. needless to say, her birthday will never be the same for me.

life has taken a lot out of me, and i'm coming to understand that now more than ever.

i miss mates of state and the promise of a long night's drive. jen and i were always good at those. the nineties at nine changed our lives so undeniably, that i will forever associate early 90's alternative music with a short girl with the cutest face i have ever seen and a heart too big for her own body.



it's funny the way that my life will forever be tied to five girls that changed the world for me.

oh wednesday...
full of sleet and snow
and big puddles to swallow my feet
when i least expect it
(which i never do)

for the first time in the history of my myspace account, i thought about deleting it out of shame. i consider myself capable of goodness and perhaps greatness, even, when the time comes.
i scrolled through page after page of faces with varying degrees of familiarity and i saw her.
as if the offices of my ocular cavities, guilt/shame, and muscular system had decided in the summit of 2004 that the sight of her blond hair and enthusiasm necessitates a contraction capable of shying me away from the poor decisions i had made at the time, i turned to face the chipped paint instantaneously.

i always found her funny with the type of beauty that made me look like i have always been faking it.

i watched her sit on his lap and cuddle up to his neck. fuck. i was happy for the two of them.

half of me was lying. i was living two lives, sometimes within seconds of each other.

after i had spent twenty minutes french-braiding her honey hair and complimenting the way it glowed, she would slide into the pool, and he would find an excuse to meet me in the kitchen.

some days i would come over within minutes of her leaving for him to pour the wine and kiss me so deeply, i could feel each movement of his lips and tongue churning my stomach, buckling my knees, drawing the blood away from my toes.

every moment i took would be placed in the small part of my body that could justify thieving of this severity with "well, he didn't love her".

the moment he told her, i wanted to apologize.
but i will never find the right words to tell someone i called my friend that i knew he didn't love her...and even worse, that he didn't love her because he loved me.

and every time i see her face, all i can think is:
i can't take that back.
i can't be trusted.

i'm tired all of the time.

which should push me toward the obvious conclusion
that i currently am sailing gently toward a light sadness
that (i hope) will be cured (as it usually is) if only
because i was blessed with a spirit capable of regeneration.

while looking at homes for rent in tempe, i met a woman
looking for an assistant to help her show property on weekends.
she offered me the job with in the hour.

things do look up, you know.

the other night i bought volume one of the first season of
thundercats. and to think the entire time i thought his name was
"lionel". i blame snarf. he didn't enunciate the "o" in Lion-o
properly.

that bastard.

much love.

tomorrow i'm riding a bus to tempe.

i'm nervous and very afraid i'll die.

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already. In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth. </td> Buddhism 83% atheism 71% Hinduism 67% Islam 63% Satanism 58% agnosticism 54% Paganism 50% Judaism 46% Christianity 29% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

it's weird how i'm 80something percent buddhist and 70something percent atheist.
which is one hundred and fifty-ish percent.

The woman on the other side of the street was wearing a pair of black ballet flats I saw last week at Payless. For whatever reason, this particular detail stood out most notably in my mind. Perhaps the way that she carried herself with an undeniable fear of being found out in her more-than-likely designer dress caused me to search for such an oddity. And it was probably those shoes that caused her to close her eyes as tightly as she did while she kissed him beneath the canopy in front of a clothing boutique. Hoping, I could only assume, that the shine of a $700 dress would make him come back.

I was obviously sizing her up, and maybe even making a few too many assumptions. But girls like myself pay attention to those details if only because we catch glimpses of ourselves in every girl saying similar silent prayers with her eyes closed tight and her lips pressed against someone she will never belong to.

The very first boy I kissed had a girlfriend. So I understood what she was trying to do

i don't think i was meant for this school

but more importantly, i need help.

the bad decisions keep on coming and i
can't seem to find a place where i feel happy
unless i'm sleeping in bed next to him.

i fucked up.
not just "fucked up"
but moreso "FUCKED up".

had an anxiety attack last night
and didn't fall asleep until three forty-five.

i'm overwhelmed. i haven't told anyone the whole truth
in a while...but i'm getting a lot closer.

do you ever find yourself on the verge of a breakdown?

it's embarassing, no?

the sun has yet to retire
although i haven't seen it all day
each drop of rain falls
with half the energy i have
which, i might add, is next to non-existent.

i haven't updated in a while.
paul's family came to visit the thursday
before last.
he and i celebrated our one year anniversary this thursday
(and almost the entire weekend).

and i found out that my financial aid didn't
disperse, so i have been attending class
and receiving no credit.
now, i have to go to each department, each teacher,
each counselor, and get a signature for all of my
classes.

i'm sure i'm not the first to wonder when things will
start to look up.

patience is what it takes, i know.

it's just that the days go by slower with every week.

i'm going to disneyland in two weeks with my family.

hopefully space mountain will be open this time.

p.s. if ANYONE who reads this finds themselves unbelievably
bored at any point in the week, they can call me.
any time.
literally, any time.

i'm a small girl today.
firm-believer in the promise of snowflakes
falling on your cheeks
leaving the smallest wet kisses
in their wake
and the power of
one glass of whiskey
and twelve cigarettes
smoked consecutively
while wearing my favorite jeans
.
definitely that
cowgirl kind of sad,
folks
.

i want to go horseback riding this weekend.

anything and everything outdoors.

this is my boyfriend cuddling with my stuffed duck.

tomorrow, i leave to go back to flagstaff for one last semester
before i transfer to asu.

my mom has even said she wants to help me buy furniture
to decorate the new home paul and i move into.

how grown up of me, eh?

yesterday was absolutely perfect.

i love the jen and the stefani with my entire little heart.